The Dark
In the depths of my room, the silence is cold. The sheets that cover me are filled with morning air that gives me slight goosebumps, as my sore muscles carry myself out of my bed, I take 27 steps to the headings of my kitchen and give myself 43 grams of cornflakes then I count to twenty before I pour ¾ of a cup of whole milk with two teaspoons of cane sugar. I feed myself five scoops every one minute and 30 seconds and I finish at exactly 6:45 am. I rest my eyes for a bit, so tired of living this routine, but even so I walk into my bathroom and turn the shower handle 5 inches towards the hotter end of the handle, it feels like a metallic sort of cold. I remove my pajamas in 45 seconds and step into the shower.
My routine continues similar to this; tiring, repetitive, and unlivable.
Once my day comes to an end I look at myself in the mirror and see my jagged hair on the sides of my masculine face. I am Matthew, Matthew Blake, and I need something to change my life.
I need something now, before I change it myself.
I wake up, the sky is still dark and clouded. I immediately start worrying once again, it is too early and my schedule will be very tiring to succeed. Soon afterwards my phone, that is placed near the right wall, starts making a ringing noise that echoes throughout my bare room. I push myself to walk towards the wall using the sounds of the phone to guide me through the darkness, eventually I can feel the grasp of the phone and lead it to my left ear.
“Hello, is this Matthew?” The person was a man, his voice sounded brittle and dry. “Yes.” I said that single word so silently that I wondered if I should repeat myself. I guess he had heard me because he said something that I would never be able to let slip. “Leave….”
Thereafter the long flat line of the phone stung my ears, he hung up. My mind was oblivious at that point, my eyes were getting very dry but even so they were adapting to the darkness of my room. I started talking to myself. “I don’t know what he means. I- I don’t know what to do.” Then a few seconds after, there was a noise. “Beep.” “What was that?” I questioned myself, not sure what was going on or happening. My hands trembled and the air was feeling a little thin. Then, I heard the beep again. This time. Something happened along with it.
Noises, too many noises. Smoke? Bad dream. Help. Help me. Sirens. Noises. Screaming. Too loud. Help. Wake up. My eyes opened. Not a dream, it seemed better with my eyes closed. Pain. Legs. Arms. Everywhere. Legs. Legs. Help. My legs. “Sir, sir can you hear me?” A voice. Sounded calm, like a lady. Calm lady. “Sir?” The calm lady spoke again. “1 2 3 4 5 6…” I said, I need to count. Numbers, breakfast, 27 steps to kitchen. “He can still speak, I heard him counting.” Why is the calm lady not looking at me no more. She is talking to someone else. A man, he doesn’t seem calm, he looks worrisome. Ouch. He put something in my arm, pointy. “Ouch, stop that! Stop tha-”
The air is dry now. Why so dry? It is still loud but less screaming, where am I? I tried getting up but there are small thin tubes connecting me to a hard bed. Someone is watching me, at least I feel like someone is watching me. I look around to check my room, the walls are such a disgraceful color, and there is a sink with a clear hand sanitizer beside it and there is someone here. “Hello Matthew, how are you feeling?” The voice was the man, the man that put that pointy thing in me. “Wha- Wh-where am I, help me.” I can’t speak very well but all I really want to know is what time it is. “Matthew, you are in a hospital, you’ve survived something incredible.”
One year later…
“Why can’t you just kill me already?!” I could tell that my voice sounded harsh and rude but I couldn’t help it. “We cannot kill you without a legal certificate from the Government. We are very sorry but we will not do anything for illegal purposes.” I do not understand how the doctors voice sounded so calm after my rage, but I guess doctors are used to that. “How do you expect me to be happy without dying?! I have no source of life no more. My body is ruined.” After I said that he left, he just left knowing I can’t go anywhere from where I am now. A few hours later a nurse with delicate black hair tied up in a short ponytail walked into my room, she had a wheelchair with her and told me to get on it carefully. It was a struggle. The wheelchair was very narrow and my arms were not ready for such reliability on them. Once I made it on the wheel chair I looked down. My legs. I already knew they were gone but they looked and felt so painful as I was upright. The nurse asked how I was feeling. This was the first time I wasn’t lying down in a year I felt pain and anger. I would never be the same. “I am just fine,” I said, I added a smile so it would be more believable.
My hospital room was plain and smelt like a clean bathroom floor, leaving it scared me. I haven’t seen what happened to the world since I was gone, and from what I’ve seen on the thin television in my room, I am afraid of the world.
Wow, the world, the world is not the world. It looks calm. The overflowing sounds of people are as strong as the breeze that hits my face, it is wonderful. I can smell the air, it smells like a tall glass of water with ice. The nurse hands me a flower, it is a white flower with 32 petals on it’s edges, I am thinking too fast. She opened a taxi door? “What, where are you taking me?” She did not respond. She started talking to the driver and carried me into the taxi seat, it hurts my legs, or what is left of my legs. I was waiting for her to come in but she didn’t, she just closed the door and I screamed. I was scared, I didn’t feel like this was right but no one cares about my opinion. The driver started driving, it is a man, he has brownish hazel hair. He reminds me of my brother. My brother is gone now though, my whole family is gone. I start crying. I hate the world. I slam my head onto my hands with such force because I hate my life. I hate the world and everything that has to do with it.
After a while the taxi stops. An apartment? He took me to an apartment building, am I being discharged? But I do not have a home, I have no one to live with. They can not discharge me yet, that- that is not fair. He opened his door, and then opened mine. He carried me out, gave me my hard wheelchair, handed me some green keys for apartment 243 and left. I was alone again.
Hours had past, maybe a day. I’m not too sure. I am here, looking out my apartment window feeling nothing but oblivious. I truly just want to stay in the sun where I’m fine but the day always comes to an end. The night takes over the day, it always happens, but I am noticing how drawn I am to the contemplation of the dark.
I feel alone, the sadness will always linger throughout my mind.
In spite of all I take and give sometimes,
we should have never been born at all.